Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
