Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
