I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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