Little spoons don't ask big questions
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
