I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
