So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
