Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
