I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
