I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
And then my night got REAL pukey
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
