I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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