When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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