How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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