Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
