sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
