Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
