I met the friendliest cop last night
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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