Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
