Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
