I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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