lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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