I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Pants are for mortals
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
