seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
