I never want to see another naked old woman again.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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