Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize