Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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