Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
