My friends, they love my intelligence
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just had sex bonerless
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize