im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
