I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
