i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize
