I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
