We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
