So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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