I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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