Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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