just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize