the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
