I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
