I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
