I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
