i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
the raccoons are back...
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