a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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