I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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