If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
