Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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