go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
