tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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