How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
