this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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