She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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