and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
