just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I wear drunk well.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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