How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
