She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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