I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
40s are totally the cure
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
