All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
