Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
