I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
