I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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